


Freedom

by yunaslove



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dom Seo Johnny, Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Lee Taeyong-centric, M/M, No Smut, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Sub Lee Taeyong, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 18:50:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17514023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yunaslove/pseuds/yunaslove
Summary: All his life Taeyong have wanted nothing but one thing. No matter how much he loves Johnny, he can't take it anymore and he knows that Johnny can't give it to him.





	Freedom

**Author's Note:**

> There is no smut on this. I write it to show a different side of the BDSM community that many times isn't portrayed on fanfics.

Taeyong cry himself to sleep for the third night that week -it was only Thursday- the guilt was eating him so bad he even dreamt with it. He wanted it to stop, his thoughts, his desire, his pain, everything. It hurted so much, wanting something so bad yet being unable to have it because of fear.

That was what the point of this all, his fear, his fears. Fear of rejection, of opening up, of being judged, of himself.

Taeyong, on his twenty four years old, already graduated from college with honors, with a good job in a good company, with a boyfriend who have loved him and have done nothing else but that from the past three years. Yet Taeyong wanted more. Of course he wanted more.

Even on dreams he couldn't stop himself from crying. From all the impotence he was feeling from not being able to get that only thing that was missing from his life. So Taeyong keep on crying over dreams that showed him all he wanted. He woke up with dry tears all over his face. Eyes red.

The blonde boy prepared himself for work that morning, as always. It was Friday, and he had the weekend free, free from work. He, instead, wished he could go. But Taeyong have been wishing a lot of things lately, and from wishing too much it seems like he wasn't granted any more wishes anymore.

That night Johnny would come over, the other boy also occupied with his job they barely got time to see each other on weekdays. Johnny had started the conversation of them living together more than once, but Taeyong either ignore it or made as if it wasn't the moment. He could barely deal with it only on weekends to do it on daily basis.

Taeyong did love his boyfriend, almost as much as Johnny did. He would do anything for the other man, because if someone in this world deserved to have everything, that was Johnny, caring, compassionate, heart as big as himself, Johnny. And that exactly was the problem with him, that exactly was the problem Taeyong had with him. He didn't want everything so nice, so perfect, so pink. He wanted Johnny to put him on his place when he needed to, to be there for him, to help him in everything, and he was already getting most of this things, but not in the way he wanted. Taeyong was about to lose his mind, he was about to explode and it would not only hurt him but hurt the person he loved the most, and that made him feel miserable. He was being egoist.

The way back to his flat was extra long that day, he made himself walk the longest path he know, because Taeyong knew than when he get home Johnny would be there. And that would be the end of them both, the end of him.

-

When Taeyong was around six years old he discovered that he liked playing house with his neighbor, maybe way too much. He liked being ordered around. "Do this." "Clean that." He liked it, helping someone, helping others, it felt nice.

When Taeyong was around twelve years old and was scrolling through his Tumblr page he discovered something, something he didn't knew about. He probably shouldn't be watching those things, if his mother knew she would probably kill him. But she was downstairs, and he could clean the history later as one of his friend teached him to. There was a gif of someone being spanked, and curiosity was growing in him so he clicked on the blog, there was some acronym he couldn't understand back then on the blog's name, but he didn't care. The page was filled with photos and gifs, some people were tied, most of them were naked but some of them were on a black attire, it looked like leather.

When Taeyong was around sixteen years old he got one of the biggest revelations, one that would change his life. He was gay, a homosexual. Back then Taeyong never confirmed to anyone that he liked any girls, but he wasn't sure he liked boys either, he just never liked anyone. He would watch porn from both sexes and it all would end in the same because he was only thinking about the things his dom would be doing to him, and he had never put a face to that figure. That, until that boy from his biology class had him over because of the project they needed to finish. And the boy thought it would be a good idea to get almost naked in front of him. "You don't mind right?" He didn't, or he thought he didn't, because on that moment he got a huge urge to get on his knees and let that boy do whatever he would like to do. From that day to forward Taeyong comprehend that he had been so blinded by the idea of his dom that he hadn't play attention to his surrounded. From that day his dom did have a face, a masculine one.

When Taeyong was around eighteen years understood that a few years ago he wasn't that wrong, he found the reason why he have been lead to some confusion. Taeyong was gay, that was sure, but he liked watching women, he liked watching them because he wanted to be like them. No, Taeyong wasn't trans, he felt really comfortable with the body nature decided to gift him with. But he still liked their sweet scents, their clothes, the soft skin, the make up, Taeyong liked women because he looked up to them.

When Taeyong was around twenty he meet Johnny. Someone, Doyoung who happened to just catch the boy he have been pinning over since he was ten years old to himself, Jaehyun, presented him to the one who would later be his boyfriend, and also Jaehyun best friend.

When Taeyong was around twenty three he understood that this life he was living wasn't the one he wanted. He did love Johnny and he knew that Johnny loved him just as much if not more, but he feeled wretched, he just couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to be with Johnny, but not like this. But he knew the other would never accept to do all the things he wanted him to, because Johnny was too good, way too good for him. And he wanted be good to Johnny, but that didn't seem like an option.

-

He opened the door to his flat, and the smell of food -something like chicken- surrounded him.

"Taeyong!! Johnny screamed, almost running from where he was on the kitchen. "Are you okay? I have called you ten times but your phone was off. Is everything okay?"

Taeyong took his time to take off his shoes, then let his bag on the side and lastly his coat. "Yes." He barely let out.

"Why did it took you so long? Did something happen at job?" Johnny insisted, and Taeyong could see him trying to find his eyes, but he didn't want to, he wasn't ready for that. He knew the time their eyes meet he was going to start crying, and that was going to scare Johnny.

"No, I just took a long walk." He took his bag again and started walking to his bedroom, planning to let it there.

"Are you feeling okay?" Johnny followed him with his eyes, but didn't move. Taeyong praised him on his mind for knowing that something was wrong. Then reprimanded himself for thinking and planning on hurting such a good man as Johnny.

Taeyong didn't answer. He changed his clothes silently, putting on something more cozy.

The blonde man stayed on bed, looking at the wall in front of him while the noises of pans, plates and cutlery was heard from the kitchen.

"Food is ready, if you want to eat." Johnny said with a low tone while standing on the door frame. And Taeyong could sense the sadness and worrisome on his voice, that only made him more despicable.

Once again, he didn't bother in answering, he simply stood up, moving his body, that felt like a death one, to the kitchen, taking his usual chair. Everything already settle on the table. And that only made him more angry with Johnny, for not understanding what he wanted.

The simple feeling of hating Johnny made him feel like throwing up. He was hungry, he forgot to eat his lunch, so the only thing on his stomach was the toast and coffee he got as breakfast, still he wanted to throw up.

"Are you sick? You look really pale." Johnny, who was coming back from the bedroom noticed. The taller man stood up next to him, and Taeyong could feel his worried eyes. But Johnny didn't touch him, not as he would have not even two week ago when Taeyong thoughts weren't interfering on their relationship. And the blonde one wanted to throw up even more thinking that he had made Johnny feel insecure about their relationship.

But there was nothing on his stomach, so he couldn't, but he could cry, so that's what he did. He started crying from impotence, from wanting something so bad yet couldn't have it. And it wasn't the first time he cried from something like this.

Taeyong could remember that time when he was around seventeen he couldn't even finish his mastubation session, because the desire for that dom he was imagining all the time was so bad, and it wasn't real, there was no way it could be real, not that time not never. Taeyong get out of the bathroom, a bulge on his pants, and went to sleep. It felt the same, just way more stronger.

"I'm sorry." It was inaudible. "I'm so sorry Johnny you don't deserve this." Taeyong was practically chocking on his own tears, so it was hard to speak. "I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" The other man asked, finally putting a hand over his back, slowly caressing it. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"Stop saying that!" He finally snapped, Taeyong could only take a handful of Johnny's easy forgiveness.

"I'm sorry." Johnny murmured, and when Taeyong finally looked at him for the first time that night he saw the confusion, and worrisome, the pain, the love, everything, and that made him cry harder. "I'm sorry, Taeyong. I don't know what to say, what to do. I don't know what have I done wrong for you be like this. I don't know what you want from me, Tae."

It was now or never. Maybe he didn't have to broke up with Johnny, maybe he would just tell him what he wanted and Johnny would run away. Maybe Johnny would stay, and would forgive him for being such a bad person, it was Johnny after all we talking about.

"I want you to tell me to shut up, to command me to stop! I do this because I'm waiting to get a reaction from you! I want you to tell me that it's enough! I want you to punish me!" Taeyong whole self feel way more lighter now, now that it all was out, now that he finally let someone know what was really going on inside of his head, something he have been hiding for so long.

He looked at Johnny's face, who was shocked. And surprise was all Taeyong could find on Johnny's face, no disgust or judgement. Something on his heart sparked. Maybe there was some hope.

-

"Not like like Fifty Shades of Grey, right?" Johnny asked that Sunday morning.

After the fatidical Friday night, Johnny stayed no matter what, he let Taeyong cry on his arms, and he made Taeyong eat when he heard his stomach grumble and then cuddle on bed. On Saturday they barely talked, they watched TV, Taeyong cooked lunch, Netflix asked three times if someone was there, they ordered something for dinner, they watched more TV and then went to sleep, cuddling again. Taeyong could hear the gears on the other boy head through the whole day, but he decided to not comment anything, letting Johnny think about it himself, take his own decisions. He wasn't going to stop him if he wanted to leave, and he would negotiate whatever the other boy would like to offer him, because Taeyong did also a lot of thinking that day, and he understood that he loved Johnny. If Johnny could adaptate to him, he could do the same.

"Oh God, no, definitely not like that." Their legs were tangled, and Taeyong tried to move the minimum, not to disturb Johnny in any way.

"But is it BDSM?" Johnny was looking at the ceiling, while Taeyong head rested on his chest. As if nothing had changed.

"Yes."

"Okay. I know barely nothing about it. I can't take a decision about it if I know nothing." As if he was talking to himself Johnny commented.

"I can try and teach you?" The doubt was clear on Taeyong's question.

"You want it to be me?" Johnny asked after letting out a rather laugh sigh. "From what I know is a lot of responsibility the one on a dom hands. Would you trust me on something like that?"

"Right now there is nobody but you I would trust." And how could Taeyong not. Just from the mere act of asking him about trust Taeyong knew that if he wanted, Johnny could be the greatest dom.

"For how long have you been feeling like this?" Johnny started caressing his back slowly, sweetly.

"All my life."

"We are very open on bed, we could have tried something else, if you had asked me I wouldn't doubt in trying it." This made Taeyong took a deep breathe.

"That's when things change. I don't want it to be a bed thing, I want it to be a twenty four seven thing. A life style." And he prepared for it to be the end. Now it's when Johnny stands up and leaves him.

Instead he continue caressing his back.

"You love me?" Johnny asked.

"I do. I love you so much, Johnny. I am so sorry." Tears started falling. "I love you so much. I would totally understand if you feel like this is too much."

"Stop crying." And that was the most authoritarian he have ever hear Johnny speak, that spark on his heart ignited again. "I love you, and I would do anything to see you happy. I will not leave, okay? I will try. But you have to teach me. And communicate with me. No more secrets."

Taeyong looked up at him, meeting his eyes with the other man, who had a little smile on his face and eyes that looked hopeful.

"I promise."

"Good. Now stop crying, I hate it when you cry."

"I love you, Johnny. I really do. Thank you so much."

"I love you, Tae. A lot."

 

* * *

**TEA WITH TAE.**

**Fredom.**

September 13th.

 

Welcome to Tea with Tae!

For this entry of the blog I decided to do something different, and instead of answer your doubts about the BDSM world I have decided to answer a question than some of you have been asking me a lot. I hope talking about my personal experience in such a personal way (and not like I use to do, adapting myself to what you guys are asking) helps at least a few of you.

Am I free?

This question is one have been asked since I let the world know about my relationship with my husband. It have been asked in hundreds of ways, with good and bad intention, but my answer is always the same.

I am.

I am free. I am free because I am doing this because I want to. Nobody is forcing me. I have tell my story a few times so some of you must know how my whole story with my husband started.

But I am free, because even when part of my freedom was given to another person I, and only I were the one who decided I wanted to give it to him. Because I, and only I, were the one who decide who to give it to. I give to someone I love, someone who cares and worries about me, someone who makes sure I am always comfortable and who takes as much as he gives.

So yes, I am free, the way I am and live today it's the way it is all because of decision I have taken myself, even when it have been indirectly.

I am free because he lets me fly as high as I want, there is so much trust between us that he knows I will always come back to him, and I will. I will always.

I hope for you who read me to found someone who loves you as much as my husband loves me and that you could get to love as much as I love him. Someone to take care mutually.

Hope this answered your questions, and I'm sorry if it could barely help you with your doubts about this specific topic. Next blog will be our regular, I already got something in mind!

My best wishes to all of you!

Tae.

-

"Hi, love." Johnny called from behind him just as he was hitting share.

"Hello, Sir." Taeyong answered turning around.

The tallest man took a step forward to engulf him on his arms once he stood up.

"How did you slept, baby?"

Johnny didn't like calling him things like 'kitten' much less 'baby boy', and Taeyong was totally okay with it.

"Pretty good. How about you, Sir?" The blonde man looked up, to lock eyes with his husband, who flashed him a smile.

"Amazing. Did you finish your entry to your blog?" Johnny asked, moving the bangs out of his face to focus better on his eyes.

"Yes, Sir."

"What was it about"

"You and me, Sir."

"Oh? Hope it was something good, then." The smile on the taller was sweet, caring, and Taeyong felt like melting all over again.

"It was, Sir." That seemed to be enough to please the other man who gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"Good then, baby." Johnny whispered, letting Taeyong leave from his arms. "Do you have something to do later?"

"No, Sir. I am free the whole day." The blonde smiled so bright.

"Okay. Then how about you get your favourite toys ready when I come back from work? Does that sound good?" Johnny caressed his check with so much love, making Taeyong overwhelmed by all the feelings.

"That sounds really good, Sir."

"Nice. Then I see you later." Johnny closed the few inches between them to let a kiss on his lips. One full of love. "I love you, Tae."

"I love you, Sir." Taeyong said over his lips, still fastened to his.

Both of them walked together to the door. The blonde man watched his husband put on his shoes, then his coat and last take his bag.

"Sir." He called and Johnny looked at him.

"Yes?"

"Can I ask for one last kiss, Sir?"

"You can ask for all the kisses you want."

Taeyong could taste Johnny's coffee, the one he drank not even an hour ago, the one Taeyong prepared for him every morning.

If he could speak with twenty four years old Taeyong he would tell him that all was going to be okay. That Johnny was going to understand and accept, and that he was going to be willing to learn with him, both of them together. That his life couldn't be more perfect, maybe a few kids, but that they have already talk about it and both of them were positive in waiting a couple more of years. That everything was good, and that he would never be more happy than he was right now, that that happiness did nothing but grow everyday.

The tears he shared now were tears of happiness. Because of Johnny, because of his life, because he could finally have what he want, because of their relationship. Because he was happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it!  
> This is my first complete fanfic in almost two years!  
> For this fic I wanted to show that BDSM goes farther than what we usually see on fanfics. There is not all about sex, or punishments, there is much more.  
> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
